


Don't Disappear on Me

by Glossomer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, M/M, Suicide Attempt, connor is cocky, heidi is doing the best she can, jared is kind of a dick too, larry is an ass
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 11:50:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15266895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glossomer/pseuds/Glossomer
Summary: It was an odd coincidence that they met this way, Connor with a handful of pills and Evan about to jump from a tree.In which Evan and Connor interrupt one another and have a chance meeting.





	Don't Disappear on Me

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Mentions of suicide.  
> I do not own anything just love the musical!  
> Also Connor may seem OOC idk tho!

Evan bit down hard on his bottom lip as tears poured from his eyes. They blurred his vision leaving him only able to see the soft orange hues of the afternoon skyline. This was it. He would finally put himself to rest here. He was ready to lift the burden his life caused, not only on himself, but his mother as well. Only she would notice anyway.

With a warm breeze blowing back the dark blonde bangs from his sweaty forehead. His stomach churned horribly with fear but he knew this was his only option left. Slowly he leaned forward, one hand gripped tightly around a branch above his head. His shoes scrapped against the rough bark of the lower branch he stood on and he gulped. They always warned not to look down when up high places and Evan made that mistake. His eyes flickered down and he nearly hurled at the sight. He was so high up! The ground was swaying or was that him? He honestly couldn’t tell anymore.

 “S-Stop it Hansen….Stop procrastinating..” He sighed softly to himself as he hung a timid foot from the edge of the branch. This was it.

With a deep breath, he slowly began to let go.

“W-Woah!! Hey what the fuck are you doing?!” A sudden voice screamed up to him.

The voice startled Evan enough to where his instincts took hold and he launched back clinging to the tree for dear life. He was shaking, sweating through his shirt and gasping for air that just wouldn’t fill his lungs fast enough.

Evan gasped and trembled, still holding tight to the tree when he heard a noise. The person from earlier was grunting with effort as his shoes scraped the limbs. He was climbing the tree? For what? Evan was confused and terrified of the person climbing to rescue him and he shrank farther into himself to avoid the belittlement he knew would come from someone who just caught another person trying to kill themself.

Suddenly there was a shift in the branch beside him, the weight of a person leaning against the branch. The mystery man was silent and Evan could feel his eyes on him. Why wasn’t he saying anything?

Slowly Evan opened his eyes. At first his vision was still clouded but he could make out a pale figure with long dark hair and a dark jacket. He blinked again and his eyes focused on the figure and he nearly fell from the tree, on accident this time.

Connor Murphy stood lower on a branch with his arms folded neatly on the branch Evan sat on. His eyes were watching him almost boredly but with a aura of caution that made Evan feel so ridiculous.

Connor sighed and blinked a few times as he looked at Evan, “So, you come here often?” He asks calmly.

Evan jumped so hard, connor’s voice was like a sudden punch to his ears and he felt himself lean away instinctively. He said nothing of course. What could he even say? ‘Hey! Yeah I came here a lot scouting for the tallest tree to throw myself from! How about you?’

“You’re quiet.” Connor said pointedly and he sighed softly, “Looks like we both had our little plans interrupted.”

Evan looked to him with confusion and he swallowed trying to find his voice, “W-w-what do y-you mean?” Good going Hansen, way to sound like a scared mouse.

Connors eyes lazily shifted to Evan then he moved to fish around in his jacket pocket. After a moment of searching he pulls out an orange bottle of pills and carefully balances it to sit on the limb at Evan’s feet.

“Seemed like a good idea to come here to die, guess I wasn’t the only one who thought that too.” He sighs again and lays his chin in his folded arms.

Evan watches him with a confused look, “w-why...why would you-”

“Because life sucks and we all die eventually!” Connor spits out bitterly making Evan jump again.

Connor noticed and frowned softly as he looked away, “Sorry..” He muttered and Evan could have sworn he looked genuinely saddened.

“N-No it’s o-okay!” Evan replied and he leaned forward to see the boy more clearly.

He knew Connor Murphy by passing. He heard the rumors of his violence and psychotic outbursts, but, that wasn’t the Connor Murphy that stood in front of him. The boy in front of him looked calm and stoic. He seemed the complete opposite of the Connor that Evan had come to know from rumors and passing experiences.

Connor looked up to him after a moment of sulking and he smiled softly, “Ah thanks man.” He said and Evan blushed softly, that look. No one had ever looked at him like that, it was...warm? Inviting?

“Well I guess you’re obligated to buy me a drink or something seeing as I saved your life and all!” Connor leaned back, ready to dismount.

“B-But didn’t I save yours t-too?” Connor spoke with more confidence.

Connors face fell flat then he grinned, “Touche tree boy!”

“E-Evan..”

Connor’s eyebrows knitted in thought before his eyes lit up, “Wait? Evan Hansen? You’re in my english class!” He exclaimed and pointed a finger into Evan’s face.

Evan gulped and nodded slowly as he too began to move himself away from the edge and onto the branch below. They climbed down slowly and once both feet hit the ground Evan fell to his knees, trembling. He had nearly jumped. He nearly died! All of this hit him as he sat there in the grass. He felt his stomach churn violently and before he could act he was throwing up, at least he had the courtesy to turn away from Connor while he vomited.

Connor watched, biting his lip anxiously. He never was good at comforting people.

Evan coughed as he finished his violent upchuck. He hated the feeling of throwing up, it left his mouth stale and his throat burning. He hated that he threw up in front of someone else even worse though, “S-sorry…” He coughed out and gagged trying to keep another wave of nausea down.

“Don’t sweat it Hansen.” Connor said. Evan sighed shakily and leaned against the tree’s trunk just willing the rumbling storm in his stomach to calm down.

They sat in silence for a long moment before Evan finally opened his eyes to look at Connor. The boy was sitting there fiddling with a pocket knife he had on him, Evan suspected it was method two, just to make sure the job was done. He was using the tip of the knife to dig out from under his nails that Evan just now noticed were painted black. He watched him and in the back of his mind he admired Connor for his talent with polish. Evan had tried painting his nails once, it was supposed to be therapeutic but he spilled the polish all over the bed and ended up with only three painted nails and his entire left hand stained green.

“So, you were really gonna just...Jump?” Connor asked, his eyes trained up to Evan.

Evan felt shame bubble up the back of his throat and he looked away, “Y-yeah…” He was willing to look anywhere, even at the puddle of vomit if it meant he didn’t have to look Connor in the eyes.

“Shit…” Connor hissed, “That’s harsh...I was just gonna swallow these and-” He paused when he felt his pockets and felt they were empty. He jumped up which scared Evan and he began looking around, “‘My fucking meds!”

Evan frowned deeply, he had saved Connor, why was the boy still wanting those pills? Connor growled as he searched the grass and even climbed up the tree to the branch to see if they were there still, they weren’t.

“FUCK!!!” He shouted angrily. Evan shrank back into himself with legitimate fear in his eyes. He had heard rumors of the darker side of Connor Murphy. He heard all about the violent things he did when he was angry and Evan prayed he wouldn’t have to be the poor victim to Connor’s rage.

Connor shouted profanities and took a stick slamming it against the side of the tree over and over until it shattered into pieces. It was the angriest Evan had ever seen a person become. Suddenly Connor’s eyes turned to Evan making the smaller male squeak in fear. He shrank back against the tree as Connor stomped up to him. He flipped Evan down on his side, patting him down checking for the bottle in any of Evan’s pockets. Evan felt terror burning within him, his skin felt as if it were lit on fire and his head spun. His vision began to darken and he knew that this was only the beginning of another panic attack. He had them often but this was by far the worst. He feared for his life and his sanity at this point. But before he felt himself tipping over the edge into full blown panic, the hands left him. Evan trembled violently like a leaf in hurricane level winds. He was terrified to look up or even move. Then suddenly he heard a soft voice call to him, bringing him closer to reality again.  
            “E-Evan? Evan hey shh, shhh Evan it’s okay...shit...I’m so sorry Evan!” Connor muttered to him trying to stay calm himself.  
            Evan trembled silently for a few minutes before he could finally feel his limbs again and he slowly turned his head up to look at Connor. He was watching him with terror and anguish in his eyes and Evan could tell right away what he was feeling, regret, shame. Evan watched him, studying him for any sign of another outlash before he scooted to an upright position.

Connor’s eyes lit up slightly as he watched Evan unfold himself and settle down a little, “E-Evan..”

But Evan cut him off by holding up a trembling hand, “S-shh...I-If you t-t-talk…” He whimpered weakly and Connor got the hint that Evan needed a moment of silence.

After about 5 minutes Evan could breathe better and he took a shaky breath. His muscles relaxed finally and his head had stopped spinning. Slowly he opened his eyes to meet Connor’s. The other boy was studying him, watching with concern in his eyes. Evan would have smiled and waved off his worry if his throat wasn’t still locked.

“Evan...I’m so sorry..” Connor whispered.

“I-It’s okay..” Evan croaked when he finally found his voice. He smiled softly at Connor making the boy relax a bit.

“S-Shit man you scared me!” He exclaimed with a tense smile. Evan hadn’t realized but Connor was shaking too.

“I-I-I could s-say the same..” He replied but it wasn’t as heavy handed.

Connor let it roll off his shoulders for once and he nodded, “Ah, yeah sorry...just I need those pills and I didn’t know if you had taken them…”

Evan frowned softly, “Need them for what..?”

Connor looked away and sighed, “They uhm...they help with my mood sometimes...like a sedative…” He bit at his lip and Evan could tell he was uncomfortable with the fact he even needed those things to even be considered ‘normal’.

Evan had no idea why Connor was even talking to him about them. Maybe it was the near death experience both of them shared? Maybe they were both just neurotic and none of this was real. Nah, if Evan started thinking about those kinds of things he would surely dissociate.

Suddenly Connor stood up and he looked to Evan with a soft smile, “I gotta get home...my dad will have my ass if I’m late to dinner again..”

Evan took it as his cue to leave as well and he stood up on shaking legs before nodding to him, “Y-Yeah uhm..my mom would be mad too..” It was a lie, most likely his mother wasn’t even home, but at least it was an excuse.

Connor nodded and turned around to walk off before he stopped and looked back, “See you in English tomorrow…” He said, hinting slightly that he intended to see Evan alive and well the next morning.

“O-oh, uhm, yeah, s-see you..” Evan waved him goodbye and watched Connor walk off through the parking lot.

Evan clutched his chest, his heart was racing and now that he was alone he could filter his emotions better. He felt the familiar sting of panic and shame and even a slight flutter of warmth mixed in. What was that about? He didn’t care to find out, he needed to go home and detox. He needed food in his system or else he might accidentally die from starvation. Slowly Evan began his walk back home, all the while he thought about Connor and their weird chance meeting.

Deep down he hoped to see Connor the next morning as well.

 


End file.
